Memoirs of a Bitchy Lady

Mainly because of the low web traffic in Friendster blogs, I decided to blog some place else. I actually have a not-so-active blog in multiply, and a not-known-to-the-world in blogspot. I realized that updating my blog here might actually be worth my time.

Seriously, though, I’ve re-read my older posts here over and over, and I still think some, if not most of the posts here are funny. My sister’s college friends who read my blog in Multiply regularly are starting to hate my posts - mainly because I sound whiny and problematic most of the time. Whereas my posts here, albeit the wrong grammar and poor sentence construction, are interesting and light. I should be like that again - interesting and light.
To do that, I have to forget about boys. Specifically, boys that I like. I think I’ve blogged about them here in my previous posts - M and G. If you want to know more about the developments, you’d have to search for the not-known-to-the-world blog. But to give you an idea, some things - a lot of things -  happened that changed me, changed how I loved them both, changed our relationships. On a lighter note, one’s better in bed than the other. HAHA.

Back to being light. Maybe I’l start blogging about life again - I need that. It’s time to assess my life once again. And I’d like to relive the feeling of being curious about a lot of things - and seeing things most people don’t see.

I will be waiting, like you’ve asked me to. But I will not wait forever, oh no, I will not.

Thank god, I’m finally over that icky-sticky feeling for you. But you will always have a part of my heart. You will always be the only one who’ll make me feel queasy, uneasy… breathless, unstoppable.

Thank you. Always.

Are your eyes brown, or I just think they are?

I can’t look at them that much coz whenever I do, I melt.

Well, I guess I’ll just have to suck it up and stare at them to know if they’re really brown. You’ll have to scoop me up and put me in a glass… take me home with you!

…whatever happened to our happy days? Seems like they’re forgotten already. The laughs we had, long talks, the comfort we found in each other. And just because you found happiness once again.

Maybe those weren’t our happy days. Maybe they weren’t happy at all. Maybe I was the only one who was happy, who laughed, who found comfort. And now that you’ve found what you wanted for so long, I can’t blame you if you’ve forgotten about our days, happy or not.

We were having coffee, you and I, on a sleepy Sunday afternoon. We both hated that place because the coffee there was overpriced.

It’s been months since we last saw each other. And it’s been a long time since I’ve heard from you.

I sipped at my coffee, blowing off the heat lightly as I did. I was afraid to start asking you questions. The silence between us was making us both uneasy.

We’re friends, but why is it so hard to talk to each other now? Questions continued to ramble on inside my restless mind.

At last, I asked you, "So, how’ve you been? Where have you been since… you know…"

"Since we broke up?" There you go. That bluntness that I loved about you.

"Yeah." I finally smiled. "Here and there. No where in particular." You answered, matter of factly. You were done with your move, so the next one’s mine.

"Why haven’t you returned any of my calls? You could’ve at least sent me a message…"

"I thought we cleared things up when we parted ways." Clear cut precision, that cut went straight into my heart. "Yeah. You still love her, and you chose her over me. And I respect that. I let go of you, right? That’s what you wanted."

You took out your phone, to look at the time, maybe. "Yeah. Yeah, that was that. And now, were here."

"So why don’t we talk about why were here now?" I was stingy. I wanted to make sure you knew that the past still affected me.

"Precisely my point." You said, staring straight at me. I couldn’t bear your gaze so I looked the other way.

"I’m sorry…"

Those words rang in my mind like bells on a Sunday mass. What the fuck?!

"I haven’t been in touch. She asked me not to contact you when we made up. And I was stupid enough to listen to her. I’m sorry…"

I finally looked at you again. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! This intelligent gorgeous creature in front of me… carrying out a despotic bitch’s orders? If I didn’t feel for you, I would’ve screamed at you at that instant.

"It’s okay, I guess…" Liar. "You guys are together naman. If that’s what keeps you guys stronger, then I understand." Weak. Shut up martyr. Liar. I smiled.

"I broke up with her…" You said, then you quickly looked away. "Why?" That was the most natural thing to say at the moment. I wasn’t sorry for what happened to you and her. I had to spare my dignity, I had to admit to myself… I was bitter. I wasn’t over you.

"She drove me crazy. First, it was small things. But she demanded more from me. You know that I’m generous…"

"Too kind for your own good…"

"Yeah. She was jealous of everyone, even my guy friends! She was too controlling. I couldn’t give her everything. You know about that. You know, me and my space…"

"Yeah. ‘No asking if I’ve eaten already!’ I definitely remember those days…"

"Yeah. She kept on demanding, kept on wanting too much of me, that she forgot about what I wanted. You know how it is, how I…"

"…want mutual benefits!" I laughed.

"Yeah. You still know me better than anyone." You looked down. "What can I say? I guess I’m like you in a lot of ways." I looked away.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I’m too nice for my own good that I willingly gave you away, despite the fact that I still loved you at that time. I understood your concept of space and I gave you too much of it. And I sooo believe in mutual benefits that I let her benefit from all my efforts in putting back your broken pieces together."

And just like that, I got over you.

There are things I miss now,

but the things I miss most

are the things I love most.

I miss the way you look at me,

that weird sideways glance.

I loved catching you, giving me that look

not that it meant anything.

I just loved catching your sight.

I loved your chapped lips.

You don’t even try to make them better.

I miss how care free you are,

but uptight at the same time.

You’re always the cool [responsible] guy.

I miss the way you wear your clothes.

I miss all the small things that you do,

like how you look at your phone when your bored

or uneasy;

like how you’d put your hands behind your neck

to release the tension at the end of the day;

or how you’d smile when everyone’s looking at you,

making things seem like its no big deal.

I miss how matter of fact you are

and how annoying you can be

coz you’re always right!

I miss how simple things were

or how simple they seemed because you said so.

I want to scream on top of my lungs

"I MISS YOU! GOD DAMMIT!"

and I wish it were that simple.

There are things I miss now,

and the things I miss most

are the ones I love most

but the ones I love most

have gone and withered.

I’m definitely living a life of a double blogger. Here I am blogging at my friendster blog, writing about something I wouldn’t want my multiply contacts to read. Which is actually stupid–my multiply contacts ARE my friendster contacts as well.

Anyway, this post is entitled so because that’s my latest realization.

Okay, a little backgrounder first. I was head over heels for this one guy, the guy I’ve been talking about in my other posts… no, not freshie crush, three-lettered name guy. The other guy: partymate-friend guy.

It lasted for *counts* five months. This crush. And I’ve attempted to say otherwise in the past (that I’m over him) over and over again, but this time, I think I really mean it.

As for the title of this post, I’ve been making a list and compiling songs that would eventually lead me to ‘I Never Really Loved You Anyway’ by The Corrs, and I may have skipped some songs and went directly to that song, but I think its ok.

As for the reason of "not really loving him anyway," I read a friend’s blog post (in multiply, naturally), saw that he commented on her post. So I read that post and it didnt mean sh*t to me. It may just be me, but maybe that’s the whole point. Me and him: never gonna happen. We’re just too different. And I can’t continue liking him for things I can’t understand.

I know, I know, one day I’ll fall [yet again] for someone and I’m not gonna understand a lot of things and I may not be able to explain it then and there, and the unknown may be the reason why I’ll be holding onto the relationship… but right now, I’m being rational.

Now it’s my brain that’s telling me ‘no more’ and my heart telling me ‘no.’ How odd is that.

You don’t have to say anything. I know it’s all me.

I was the one who told you everything. I was the one who felt this way. I was the one who kept on pushing. And I was the one who pushed you away.

Away.

I’ve never felt so ashamed, so unsure of myself until now. Now that you’re gone… no. Now that what we had between us is gone.

Gone.

There wasn’t anything to begin with anyway. There was only what I’ve given, only what I’ve felt. It wasn’t enough. It will never be enough. There was no you from the start. So I’m letting ‘me’ go.

Yet,

everytime I say it to myself, I hurt. Everytime I ask myself not to miss you, not to talk to you, not to look at you, I do. Everytime I busy myself with my acads and work, I think of you and if I try not to think of you, I can’t think of anything else but you. I think of the things I could’ve done to make you stay, but I know I wouldn’t have done it in any other way.

I’ve given you everything I can offer and it’ll always hurt me, the fact that I’m never enough. No, don’t say anything… coz that’s what you’ll say, that you don’t know what to say.

It fucking hurts, thinking of you, loving you the way I do. And even though it hurts like death itself, I can’t help but live for another moment, hoping to taste your sweet lips before I actually die of sadness and despair.

I fell in love with a guy once.

This guy, he wasn’t in love with me.

This guy, he was a very dear friend.

This guy, I thought I’ll never fall for him the way I did.

But I did.

And so, I let the feeling boil and simmer,

and I kinda let it consume me.

As I’ve said, he’s a dear friend

and I think that’s all were ever gonne be.

Not that I wanted something else to happen between us, in the first place…

So then, I thought to myself, I can’t let this happen anymore

and I can’t fall for him any further.

I’m scared of losing my dear friend.

So I’m closing my heart,

putting up the walls once again.

And when the rain stops pouring,

the tears won’t be showin’.

But when I close my eyes, I’ll feel the pain

and I’ll scream

and I’ll scream

but he won’t hear my pain.

Coz nothing will ever be the same again.